Interragation of a Potions Master
by AkaOkamiRyu
Summary: Some elves are interviewing Snape, as though the man were on a talk show. Accusations shall be made, Snape shall break down, he will answer the eternal question: Boxers or briefs. Enjoy!


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Interrogation of a Potions Master

Hello folks, this is AkaOkamiRyu, but you may call me Kim, for it is easier. And these are my elves. (Six slightly small creatures in cat suits wave in various fashions.) We shall be doing a little bit of an interview with Severus Snape. Why, you ask? Is it perhaps because I am a rabid fan? Au contraire my friends, I personally despise the man, however, my friend Jasmine, who shall be celebrating a birthday on the 27th of June, is a fan. Therefore I thought it would be nice to write a humorous tale for her enjoyment on her day of birth, or at least attempt to.

Therefore, this is dedicated to my friend Jasmine, with well wishes for her birthday and everything else!

Now, this shall not be a normal fanfiction, it's more an interview like I said, as though the man were on a talk show. It shall be the elves doing, not mine. I must apologize if it is not all that good, for I am not known for writing this type of story, though I shall be giving it my all.

Is that all? Oh, my disclaimer. Well, I don't own Harry Potter, I could never be capable of such a wonderful tale, it's simply impossible. Severus Snape and any other mention of Hogwarts, or any of the other characters found in the books, they just are not mine. The aforementioned elves, who shall be in the fanfiction, are mine.

That said, and as I find myself with nothing more to say, on with the Interrogation of a Potions Master!

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Interrogation of a Potions Master

Haley: Hello everyone, my name is Haley, and welcome to Conversations with a Caretaker!

Krista: Haley, Kris thinks you are mistaken, this is Interrogation of a Potions Master!

Haley: Potions Master? Interrogations? (First she looks confused and surprised then she begins to look as though she's realized something) Ah! That explains the cue cards! Thought George had screwed up again.

George: (Pokes his head from around the teleprompter) Hm? When have I ever messed up?

Dakota: (Comes on stage, glaring at George and pulling along an unhappy looking man, with bound hands, greasy hair, a gag and a large hooked nose.) When don't you mess up?

Angel: (Appears from behind the man, small pitchfork held to his back.) Good question Kota, let's check the calendar. Flint?

Flint: (Behind a big desk at the left of the stage, riffling a calendar at lightening speed.) Sorry, can't find a day, sadly. Really George, with all the bets placed on you messing up, you'd think you'd try and do well to win once in a while.

Haley: (Looking slightly impatient as she sits in her chair, watching the display. She stands up to speak with them.) Guys! Could we please get on with this?

Krista: Yes, Kris agrees with Haley, we should keep going. After all, we do not have all the night to do this.

Haley: Thank you Kris. Now Kota, you've got his wand, right?

Dakota: (Produces a long, wooden stick from somewhere on his person, where, Goodness only knows, as cat suits are not usually equipped with pockets. An evil grin forms upon his face as Flint unbinds the man's hands and he lunges for his wand which Kota holds above him, just out of reach.) Ah, ah, ah. Sorry Snapey, you should have been more careful about it.

Angel: Alright Kota. Stop taunting our prisoner, er, guest, and lets get this over with so we can get him out of here, and modify his memory so he can't get back to curse us.

Dakota: Right, right. I'll leave the poor Professor alone. (Puts the wand away, again where is unknown, and goes behind a camera to began taping the interrogation, or interview rather.) You handing questions, Hails?

Haley: Yup!

(Everyone takes their positions. Snape is forced into a chair, where Angel and Flint bind him, magically, then they remove the gag and he begins to gasp for air. Haley takes a seat again, Krista sits with her, and Angel sits next to Snape, just in case. George remains near the teleprompter, while Flint goes to stand in front of the audience, which has been strangely silent during the entire exchange.)

Haley: Shall we restart then? (A collective 'yes' from the audience ensues.) Alright then! Welcome to Interrogation of a Potions Master. Again, I'm Haley. As you may know, this is a show where we get to ask our **guest **(stresses word) anything we'd like, and of course they must answer or... (pause) they don't! But you know if they refuse they face the wrath of Angel, who has a talent for making folks uncomfortable in various ways, with the employing of various methods.

Now let's introduce you to today's guest. We have here Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. How you feeling today Professor?

Snape: (Giving him the usual contemptuous glare before finally speaking.) You have no right to hold me here!

Angel: Don't we? I think you'll find yourself mistaken, Snapey. We have all the right in the world. It's in your Hogwarts contract.

Snape: It most certainly is not!

Krista: Kris knew you would say that, so Kris went to the liberty of asking Dumbledore to stop by.

Snape: Is that so? How convenient.

Krista: Kris rather thought so. Would Professor Dumbledore please come down to the main stage, bringing the document Kris asked him to bring.

Dumbledore: (Walks down from the audience with a twinkle in his old blue eyes) Good evening Severus, it seems they did indeed get in contact with you.

Snape: Contact? Dumbledore, certainly you are not implying that they are in the right here.

Dumbledore: I admit that they are Severus, it's in your contract. (Brings out an official looking piece of paper and holds it out for Snape to read.)

Snape: (reading) _'In decree with my consent of joining the Hogwarts staff, I understand that it is my duty and privilege to fulfill the task of performing at least one interview with the Elves of Education on their show during my term as a Professor.'_ Well, if that's true, I resign. I shall not be forced against my will to this degrading business.

Dumbledore: I'm quite sorry Severus, but you are unable to resign, read on.

Snape: (reading again) _'I also understand that I am not permitted to resign under any situation that relates either directly, or indirectly to the aforementioned interview. If I brake this agreement I further understand that it shall lead to my exile of the magical world.'_

Angel: My, now **that's **convenient.

Dumbledore: Yes, well we like to be thorough, and we do enjoy viewing such interviews at our staff meetings. If I am correct in saying so, Severus, you didn't mind so much when it was Poppy that was interviewed.

Snape: (Still fuming.) Alright, I'll do the interview just get on with it.

Dumbledore: Oh good. I'll take my seat then, shall I? (Heads back into the audience.)

Haley: Right, back to our questions. First Professor, what is your full name?

Snape: Severus Snape

Angel: We know that, what's your middle name.

Snape: I don't see why that's of any importance.

Kris: Kris thinks it is very important, very important indeed. And as Kris was rather sure you would not share with eager fans, she was once again forced to go to liberties. (pulls out a piece of parchment) The Professor's full name is Severus Stone Snape.

Haley: Stone? How unoriginal.

Angel: And yet so fitting.

Haley: How so?

Angel: Look at the man! Stubborn, unyielding, and cold and mean.

Snape: (Angry again) I am still here.

Haley: Oh, damn, he's right, he is. Fine then, next question. What's your favorite flower?

Snape: Flower? How should I know?

Haley: Just answer the question or we'll let Angel start questioning you. You really wouldn't like that, poor Madame Pomfrey left in tears last time Angel got a hold of her, and she didn't even mean to do it.

Snape: Fine, fine. I don't mind narcissuses.

Angel: HAHA! I've proved it! You were in love with Lily Evans!

Kris: How do you figure?

Angel: Because narcissuses are a member of the lily family. Thought you could get it past me, didn't you Snapey? Well you can't. I've got it all figured out! You were in love with Lily Evans, despite her muggle born blood, but she chose James Potter! So you joined You-Know-Who vowing revenge! And then you met Narcissa Malfoy and fell in love with her, and so narcissuses are your favorite flowers because they're like both women you fell in love with, neither you could have! HAHA! (the glint of insanity is prominent in her eyes)

Snape: You've lost it.

Haley: (Ignores Angel) She never really had it. Anyways, next question. Favorite color.

Snape: Black, I should think that would be obvious.

Haley: And you belonged to which house?

Snape: Obvious again, Slytherin.

Angel: And of course we all know that you are extremely prejudice towards the other houses. It's because of Lily, isn't it? Go on, tell us!

Haley: Now, now Angel, ease up. Now the million dollar question: Why do you hate Harry Potter?

Snape: I do not hate him.

Angel: Yes you do!

Snape: I loathe him, it makes all the difference.

Haley: Alright then, why do you **loathe **Harry Potter?

Angel: Is it because he was the downfall of your Master? And you still feel loyal? Is it? Is it? Tell us the truth, Snapey.

Snape: You are annoying, that is the truth. I hate Potter simply because he has the same arrogant attitude his father had, thinking he is above the world.

Haley: Boy, do you hold a grudge.

Krista: Kris's turn!

Haley: Alright go ahead Kris.

Krista: Old or new? Purple or pink? Cinnamon or peanut butter? Apples or oranges? Boxers or briefs?! (caught up in the excitement)

Snape: What?!

Angel: Answer her Snapey. Come on! You don't wanna make me come over there. (Although she's already next to him)

Snape: You do not scare me.

Angel: Oh no? I can! (Flies off her chair and sits on Snape's lap. She looks up to him with adoring eyes, fake of course, and begins to poke him in the most annoying and childish of manners.)

Snape: This is supposed to scare me?

Angel: Not done yet! (Continues to poke him.) You're evil. You love Narcissa Black-Malfoy, you loved Lily Evans, you are secretly engaged to a gay man, and you are also gay, which makes so sense because you love Lily and Narcissa, but then again you've always been a nut job, haven't you? When you were in school you were a snob and a teachers' pet, except they all hated you. You've never been wanted, never loved. You're parents know that you truly are a greasy haired git. You even know it yourself. You feel inadequate, you cannot manage to get the job you want, mostly because you are a cruel, incompetent fool. (Says all this very fast in an accusatory tone. Then suddenly she blinks and feigns innocence.) Shall I go on?

Snape: (Bugging out.) No, please don't. I'll answer her questions. Old, pink, both together, oranges, and neither. (Still in a sorry state)

Haley: I think you went too hard on him Angel.

Dakota: Gotta give her credit though, she's not bad at making things up at random.

Angel: Yup! Poor, Snapey. I didn't wanna use such measures, poor old guy, real sweet heart deep down I bet! Aren'tcha Snapey?

Snape: NO! HELP! Dumbledore, get me out of here! (Starts mumbling under his breath)

Haley: Oh great, more therapy to pay for. Angel!

Angel: Yeah, yeah, I'm going. I'll get Pomfrey, she'll cure im all up!

Haley: Well folks, looks like that's all for now! Our Potions Master is not up to more questions at this point, but we'll get back to you when he is!

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The End... Or is it?

Well, I know it's terrible, but I don't know much about him to begin with, and the site I use for reference didn't have too much either. Well thanks for reading and HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASMINE! Sorry your story wasn't that great, but it's something, eh?

Hey, if you review, could you do me a favor and wish Jasmine a happy b-day? Since it is for her after all. Thanks if ya do, sok if ya don't.

Until Next Time,

AkaOkamiRyu


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